Jan 20th, 2009
On my usual walk back home today, at 8:30 in the night, I had a sudden and fleeting realization that I’m actually not unhappy as I thought myself to be for the longest time. In fact, I am content, not overwhelmingly happy but not unhappy either. I am a woman who doesn’t know what tomorrow will bring. This uncertainty is usually daunting to most people. But I realized that, to me, if I can let go, it could be actually exciting to not know what tomorrow is like. When one is married, there’s a sense of inevitability and resignation . I’m not saying that it is anything bad but, perhaps, if I just let my natural instincts lead me, I will actually welcome the uncertainty this freedom brings.
I’ve worked so hard over the past 16 years to be a responsible, sensible, routine oriented person that I have forgotten how I was in my teen years. I was a headstong, fun loving, risk taking, carefree soul in those days. I don’t think my teen self was any better but I realize now that the conforming person I’ve become now has not made me a happier person. I do realize that one cannot live his or her life as crazy as a teenager but as we get older, I wonder if we do lose ourselves completely to try and be a responsible adult. Do we forget to have fun along the way? Do we forget to expect more out of life?
I do hope that tomorrow I’ll be able to look back at today and remember to accept life as it comes and not get depressed thinking about the past or worrying about the future. I want to remember how it felt to be just enjoying the cold breeze on my face when I walked home and to remember to enjoy whatever the moment I’d be in at that moment. I want to remember that sense of freedom, but, most importantly, I want to remember the sense of freedom from expecting anything from another human being while at the same time being able to welcome and enjoy whatever the other person has to offer in terms of friendship and love. I hope I have the capacity to be happy without having to depend on others.
5 comments:
Congratulations, contentment is a great feeling!
i am not sure if being happy without involvement of others is a worthy goal to pursue. i have tried it for a couple of years, not by choice, and ended up being terribly lonesome. We need close relationships (romantic or otherwise), and with close relationships, expectations are unavoidable. The question is how much we police our expectations and give in to the other person's expectations without driving the two of us nuts.
i do not agree that we forgot to have fun along the way since teenage years. It is how we prioritize and make choices while being responsible adults. There are a couple of people we can watch and learn this from. For example, some parents at dolphin club bring along their kids for the dark, cold 5am swim races. The kids help out with counting race finishers in order, handing out winner ribbons, etc, and have a gala time, while the parents get to do their favorite fun activity.
We expect more out of life as teenagers because we know no better, adult life is just a dream. When we have actually lived a decade or so as an adult, our expectations get more realistic, rightfully so.
i do not know about the sense of inevitability in a marriage since i have not been there. From outside (the bathroom ;-)), i see it as an opportunity for building a strong foundation that provides stability to go into the world and work/play harder than you would as a single person. i see it as an extention of the support system one gets from their immediate family (parents/siblings), especially since that framework will start to disintegrate once parents start passing away.
Of course, this view of marriage might be similar to teen dreams, and be far off from reality :-)
Justuju,
Happy to see you writing, and happy to be reading it!
What you write about in the last part of your post, about right hits the essence of an ideal human existence - in accordance with our philosophy, scriptures and religion.
The beauty is not to lose that innocence and pollute it with various emotions both willingly and unwillingly, not to lose that the wonder to appreciate things around you, and main of all to care for people but not get yourself tangled in relationships.
How much can we humans achieve? If measured by some means could be a far cry or may even be a qualifier in some cases...but that is what 'Sadhana' is all about.
It is a first step to identify it...
Tiny Seal,
Thanks for your thoughts.
About being happy, what I was trying to convey is that I do not want to rely on others to be happy. I agree that close relationships bring joy and happiness but for a healthy relationship, one has to be happy on their own as well, otherwise, expectations can get unrealistic. As adults, we learn to temper our expectations of others but I don't know how many succeed in not feeling a sense of giving up. I want to be able to temper my expectations without feeling sad about it. That's what I meant.
I still think that the fun we have as adults are usually calculated and carefully worked out. I have had to think about the time spent doing a certain thing versus another thing, the cost of it, the time of the day, the perception from the significant other etc.. Perhaps, as an older and a married person, I did this more than a single person would, but compared to the carefree teen years, my "fun" as an adult was/is always guarded!
Lastly, about the sense of inevitability, I merely mean that as a married person, you kind of know what tomorrow will bring. You know who you'll spend your time with or how you'll react to new people you meet or how you'll spend your vacation etc.. I do understand that most people "want" that kind of security which totally makes sense.
Rendezvous,
Thanks for your comments. I don't know what ideal human existence would be but if I can just figure out how not to be unhappy, I think I'd be achieving a lot. Sadhana sounds good!
Justuju,
This is a very good post. I like it very much!
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