Jan 20th, 2009

On my usual walk back home today, at 8:30 in the night, I had a sudden and fleeting realization that I’m actually not unhappy as I thought myself to be for the longest time. In fact, I am content, not overwhelmingly happy but not unhappy either. I am a woman who doesn’t know what tomorrow will bring. This uncertainty is usually daunting to most people. But I realized that, to me, if I can let go, it could be actually exciting to not know what tomorrow is like. When one is married, there’s a sense of inevitability and resignation . I’m not saying that it is anything bad but, perhaps, if I just let my natural instincts lead me, I will actually welcome the uncertainty this freedom brings.

I’ve worked so hard over the past 16 years to be a responsible, sensible, routine oriented person that I have forgotten how I was in my teen years. I was a headstong, fun loving, risk taking, carefree soul in those days. I don’t think my teen self was any better but I realize now that the conforming person I’ve become now has not made me a happier person. I do realize that one cannot live his or her life as crazy as a teenager but as we get older, I wonder if we do lose ourselves completely to try and be a responsible adult. Do we forget to have fun along the way? Do we forget to expect more out of life?

I do hope that tomorrow I’ll be able to look back at today and remember to accept life as it comes and not get depressed thinking about the past or worrying about the future. I want to remember how it felt to be just enjoying the cold breeze on my face when I walked home and to remember to enjoy whatever the moment I’d be in at that moment. I want to remember that sense of freedom, but, most importantly, I want to remember the sense of freedom from expecting anything from another human being while at the same time being able to welcome and enjoy whatever the other person has to offer in terms of friendship and love. I hope I have the capacity to be happy without having to depend on others.